butterflies and hurricanes

our hopes and expectations

I do not understand my sleeping habits at all, lately. By 8 or 9 o'clock my body just shuts down, even on days when I haven't worked 8 hours sorting case work and running about the office, and though I've tried coffee or other means to keep myself up, it's very difficult. I have to be doing something really engrossing, though half the time that doesn't work either.

Of course, the kicker is not that I go to bed too early. It's that I'm awake again around midnight or 1AM and then I don't sleep the rest of the night. So on average, I'm totaling three to four hours of sleep every day, for no good reason at all.

Then I have nights where I sleep in twenty minute intervals the whole night. That is really irritating. And I can't blame any of this on jetlag, I've been back for over six months now. It didn't bother me at first, since at the very least, I felt fine during the day, but it's just annoying. Part of it is probably that I think too damn much, and my brain only seems to be active during times I should be snoring, but I don't know.

So I'm sorry to everyone who's tried talking to me in the last month or so and I keep flaking out in the middle of conversation to tell you I need to sleep or just not responding at all because I've already passed out. orz

I've been thinking that I need to give myself something to look forward to. I've loosely planned trips and considered some options for this year. Funds are extremely tight, but I think I can do it if I give up a few things. One would be a flight south, I'd really like to take a trip on my own, so if I do go, then that would be the one. I'd also like to get out to where aelvana is, or swing up to Michigan-- the latter of which I will end up doing most assuredly, since one of my former roommates is getting married in a few months. So there's that.

And of course, there's still the desire to go on a road trip. That would require extensive planning, though I think of all the road trips I ever did on my own in Japan were completely spontaneous. The sort of trips that I would decide the night before and leave early in the morning without telling anyone. I loved having that kind of freedom. Naturally I can't do that anymore, but I'd still like to go on one, possibly with friends...? :D I kind of want to drive to the east coast, since I haven't been there since I was very very young. Heading out west would be nice too, but maybe on a separate trip.

Welp, time to find something to do with myself today.

Here we go.
default desu
All right, so time for an official "update", I suppose. I'm not sure if I'm writing for this to be read or not, but, haha.

A lot has happened. We're already in 2013, and I can't quite describe how weird that feels. I'm not where I expected to be in life, but I could say the same thing two, three years ago. Coming back to America has been a mixture of good and bad, but mostly just confusing. And I've learned a lot about myself-- also good and bad.

But mostly I'm working and living and still hoping for something more. I hope that next year, around this time, things will be different.

Today I'm just resting, and so thankful tomorrow is a holiday. I need to catch up on my friendslist, oh man...

(no subject)
How strange it is to leave and return so suddenly all the time.

If anyone is still out there, hello. If not, here's to new beginnings, yet again.

kimi no kimochi wo kikasete yo
Yosh, ok, I finally got some rest. I'm still achey but it doesn't hurt to walk anymore. Only took two days. orz Anyway. I totally got up and cleaned my room this morning. SO ACCOMPLISHED. >:U I haven't cleaned it really for... a super long time. orz So yeah, this was a big deal. And because there was finally space on my floor, I finally got around to taking pictures! XD Just a few pictures of my comiket purchases.

who's got your money, who's got your money~Collapse )

And that's it~ So not exciting. lol Phew.

i will never walk again
Back from Comiket. Perhaps some of you are expecting epic tales and photos, but unfortunately, I have neither of those. I'll explain why in a moment. To be honest, this trip was both a colossal waste and yet utterly badass, and I cannot properly convey to you this awesome paradox properly, so I don't know how coherent this will be. But here we go.

comiketCollapse )

herp hurr hurr
What is LJ's new thing. :I What. What is it. I won't add this post to the collection of complaints but it does confuse me. I'm sure we'll all get used to it in time, but. Hm. Welp.

ANYWAY like I said that's not what this post is about. Vacay officially started yesterday, and so, as per usual when I manage to have time off, my first order of business is to game like crazy, particularly visual novels. I've actually downloaded SEVERAL in the past year or so, but I never got around to finishing them. I started like two or three at the same time, but I'd do one route and pretty much stop there. Usually this was because either the game was just so silly I couldn't continue or the routes were hella long and intimidating.

I decided to go back and redownload a couple of old ones I never finished, as well as start a few new ones too. And as always, this is more for my own research purposes and keeping track of what I've played, so feel free to skip this post if you're not interested, haha.

Yosh. On to the porn (lol k not really).

Love☆Drops ~Miracle Doukyo Monogatari~Collapse )


Anyway. Today is the last day before winter break, hellz yeah! I don't have to be at work for at least a week, and I am stoked. Next week I'm planning on heading down to Tokyo for Comiket, which is that big doujinshi/comic/goods convention they have. I'll be meeting a friend there too. I'm not so much excited about spending money on more junk to take home, but the trip itself excites me. I haven't been anywhere in a long time. And hopefully I can find stuff for other people, not just me.

I'm taking the night bus there, which I've done before, but it's the first time since I was in Shiga. So yeah, that's a loooong time. But I know relatively what to expect, the problem will be finding the bus stop on my way back to Niigata. lawl It's somewhere in Shinjuku and it's not even like... near the station or anything. ಠ_ಠ


But anyways. Today we have closing ceremony. Which I wish I didn't have to attend. Dammit. moar later maybe.

jack frost nipping at your nooooose~
What is your favorite holiday carol or song?

My answer? All of them, to be honest. I remember getting irritated by hearing the same 10 songs in about 30 different versions when I worked at the grocery store all the time, but hearing those songs at this time of year still warms something inside of me. This is probably because growing up, I remember my father immediately putting on Christmas CDs at the beginning of every December. That was just his thing. And my brother and I would start watching Christmas specials from that day on until the 25th. One of those things you miss from childhood.

Oh wait, scratch that. I love them all except ONE and that is "Baby It's Cold Outside". It rubs me the wrong way, possibly because it smacks vaguely of date rape. If you don't know what I'm talking about, look up the lyrics. I'm not making this shit up, haha. Even without all that though, it's just sounds like the anthem for holiday creepers.

... and now suddenly I have the urge to listen to the A Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack, baaah. Have to do that as soon as I get home!

Thanks to everyone for your comments on my last post. I feel a lot better now. You're all very much appreciated. ♥ I still haven't talked to my folks, but I'll do that this weekend. Find out better what's going on.

This morning I woke up to the unwelcome sight of snow falling, and this truly signifies the end of sunshine in Niigata. Or at least Murakami. After the first snow, it's as if the clouds form an iron curtain that cannot be breached for another five to six months. I've never really thought of myself as being affected by lack of sunlight or changes in the weather, but there is something sobering about that thought.

Oh well. Time to plan for class. So excited for the weekend.

warmest december
Money saving is going well. At least in my American account. I haven't spent any cash on anything useless, and this is a vast improvement. It's sad I have to talk about it like a huge accomplishment, but eh. Overspending is a form of "addiction", and it's therapeutic to talk about it.

I did have to spend extra this month sending more money to my parents... I'm extremely concerned for them at the moment. I have been for several months now, but it seems things only get worse and worse for my dad. They're closing the facility he works at in the spring, and I don't have all the details, but it doesn't sound good at all to me. He's at the verge of a breakdown, and of course my mom can't do much of anything still, and so that puts her in poor spirits and she feels helpless. I know, everyone's got their problems. Everything's rough in this economy. But I'm terrified for my parents right now. At this point in time, it's a miracle they are surviving. I feel wholly selfish and completely useless. I want to do more to help them, but all I can think is I'm causing more problems by existing. Stupid sounding probably, does no good to think that way, and I do help when I can. I'm ridiculous, yeah.

Well. In other news. Today I had a switched schedule. Normally I go to one junior high on Tuesday and Wednesday, and then my other one on Thursday and Friday. Today I had to go to my second one instead, the reason being we had to have a supervised class... which basically means all the teachers in the school, plus several teachers from other schools come to watch a "demonstration" class, and the Japanese teacher requested I come today to help her do the lesson. I suck at these things, and I've had to do it a few times in elementary school, though this time wasn't as bad because I wasn't by myself. But I was still extremely nervous.

It went okay. Thankfully it was with one of my GOOD classes, so they were well behaved and managed to get through the whole thing with little trouble. Afterwards I was forced to attend the meeting with all the teachers though, where they basically spend an hour telling you everything you did wrong. That also wasn't too bad, but mostly because I didn't have to do anything except listen, haha. I did at one point get asked a question, and I answered it to the best of my ability... For some reason my Japanese improves under pressure, but also when I'm quite sure no one is going to take me seriously anyway. It's weird. I felt proud that my accent didn't sound too terrible. lol

I think that's all for now. I can't think of anything else that isn't terribly depressing and self-deprecating to say, so I'll stop here. This post was so boring. (sigh) Sorry guys. I want to cheer up. Few more weeks until winter break though, yay?

from your first cigarette to your last dyin' day
Aww man, already getting behind with posting. Happy (late) Thanksgiving, ya'll. Hope everyone enjoyed spending time with their families and such. I miss mine, but at least I know they were all together.

So you remember my post about discrimination? Turns out my principal, who I'd been talking with, wants me to do a presentation about it for the students. And not just one or two classes, but the entire school. In Japanese.

My reaction?

I am... not looking forward to it. I said I'd do it though (after lots of whinging and "Do I really have to do it in Japanese, sir...?"), and I'm thinking about asking some of my fellow ALTs to participate in it with me so that I don't look like a doofus by myself on stage. Racial discrimination is a serious subject though, and I'm struggling to find the words just talking with him about, let alone thinking about talking to an entire student body. But we'll see. I'll talk about that more another time.

Tomorrow is December already, wow. I find that so amazing somehow. But I'm glad. Christmas will be here soon. I thought about getting myself something for Christmas, and admittedly it's an excuse to pat myself on the back for surviving the year (YAY CONSUMERISM). I've tossed around a couple of ideas, and if no emergencies occur between now and the 25th, here's one of them:

tear up the townCollapse )

I haven't been doing much really otherwise (this isn't news). The colder it gets, the more reclusive I become. But incidentally, I am somehow more active on the web. Earlier in the season though I was watching quite a bit of anime or parts of anime. The two I was religiously watching were Tiger & Bunny (HNNNNGH) and Ao no Exorcist (so shounen, but so good), and of course some other series mixed in, but no more than a few episodes. You've probably heard me spontaneously fangasm about one of those two before elsewhere, and I assure you, I would be squealing more if given the opportunity. No. 6 was another one I watched and liked, but I don't know many people that actually saw it. I kind of want to do a "review" of one or more of these sometime, but I don't know, since it's been a while and the desire to do something like that has waned, even if my love for the show hasn't.

I recently started Mawaru Penguindrum, and it is entirely mossygirl's fault, with a helping of londonsparrow. I wish I were this easily swayed with everything. Pfft.

In games? Not much in the way of new ones. I actually think this is a good thing in a way, I have a huge stockpile I need to get through, STAT. I went through a brief ROM phase and all I was playing were SNES and N64 games. Super Mario RPG is friggin' amazing and addictive, and Breath of Fire too, maybe to a lesser extent, but it's okay. I feel kind of dumb that I never had an SNES and so me getting excited about these probably seems ridiculous to "hardcore gamers", but whatever. I want to play more now.

Buuuut, I can't right now. Time for bed. Phew.